Even with the best intentions a happy marriage can become an unhappy marriage.
The initial excitement is reduced with time and as life become more mundane and there are less new things to discover about each other we start to focus more on the things that annoy us about our partner.
It does not take long for this to turn in to moaning and dissatisfaction and there we have the unhappy marriage.
It was no ones fault it just slowly slipped.
Now with a few tools and some awareness you can prevent this from happening and even save your marriage if you are stuck in an unhappy marriage.
Today I want to focus on 3 areas that will prevent and save an unhappy marriage.
And hi, if you implement this, it will even create a happy marriage.
We all have the need to feel safe, however one of the most common causes of unhappy marriages are a lack of safety.
Often one person feels unsafe and that often lead to controlling or attacking, blaming behavior in the hope of getting a response.
These negative cycles can be hard to spot unless you have a great therapist of us my eBook.
The first step is to understand your partners attachment style that they learned growing up.
If they had abandonment they might be anxiously attached and fear being left so they might easily feel jealous or feel you are not there for them.
They likely also want a lot of attention.
The avoidant attached is the opposite and have learned not to trust others can meet their needs so they retrieve and avoid intimacy to a large extend.
The two opposite attachment styles often have a hard time getting on.
So, the first step is to identify your own and partners attachment style and then implement the strategies to make them feel safe.
You can learn how to do that in my eBook.
Once that’s done you will notice many conflicts that even seem unrelated disappear as the underlying anxiety disappear you partner will stop the attacks or criticism and will be more open to connect.
When I first experienced this in my relationship it felt like a magic pill that made almost all issues go away.
Now avoiding an unhappy marriage is only part of the equation.
I want you to have a happy marriage and the next step is to learn each other’s attachment language.
You might feel you do so much for your partner and yet it seems to have little impact.
It does not bring you closer and they are still complaining or avoiding connection.
No wonder you eventually feel like giving up.
However, the solution could be very simple and turn the unhappy marriage in to a happy one.
The attachment languages are ways we feel important, valued and cared for by others.
We all have different ways we feel valued, important and cared for by others based on our genetic disposition and our experiences people that cared for us when we were young.
As social creatures we all have a need to feel important and valued by those close to us.
It’s an evolutionary survival strategy and some of the most primal and strong emotions we experience.
It makes us feel safe and connected when we know we are important and valued by our significant others.
We all experience feeling valued and important in different ways, so to connect with your partner you must learn what their attachment language is so you can make them feel safe and cared for.
If as a child your father gave you gifts when he came home from his long business trips, you might have associated being important as someone giving you gifts, so this is what makes you feel special and close to someone.
For someone else they might have had a lot of cuddling and stories on the sofa with their parents, so they feel important, special and connected when they get touched.
These attachment languages are learned based on how we were made to feel important and special.
We can have more than one attachment language.
The reason it’s so important to know your partners attachment language, is that you can spend all your energy and money buying gifts for your partner but it will have no impact if their attachment language is something different
By knowing their attachment language, you can make them feel safely attached and valued.
If you want to learn how to identify your own and your partners attachment language and how to give them what they need then check out my eBook.
Violated boundaries creates resentment the number one killer of relationships and a guaranteed way to an unhappy marriage.
As young children we often learn to disregard our boundaries because adults unintentionally or intentionally violated our boundaries.
We often also learn to prioritize other peoples needs above our own.
As adults that often makes it hard for us to know our boundaries and how to enforce them.
We are often so out of touch that we don’t even know when we are letting others violate our boundaries.
Is your boss speaking down to you or giving you a slap on the bum?
Are your friends pushing you to drink more than you want?
Or, is your boyfriend pressuring you in to sexual exploration you don’t want to?
We constantly allow our boundaries to be overstepped.
Which brings me to the point that allowing our boundaries to be violated, and more so repeatedly, is damaging emotionally and physically and will cause resentment in a relationship.
It’s often categorized as being selfish when we listen our boundaries and say no or stop.
I will argue that offering our boundaries is the greatest gift to our relationship and our partner.
Firstly, because it will prevent resentment to build and will save the relationship.
Boundaries are a gift you offer to your partner.
Setting clear boundaries not only protects you but also ensures trust is built since your partner can trust you can take care of yourself.
They can also feel freer to express freely, as they don’t have to be concerned about overstepping your boundaries.
If you end up having obligatory sex you are teaching your body that sex is not enjoyable and you will shut down your desire.
Listen to your body and respect your boundaries.
Therefore, respecting your own boundaries is critical
Why do we allow our boundaries to be crossed?
Because we are afraid to be left alone or hurt our partner, or we have lost touch with them altogether.
If your boundaries are crossed you will often feel uncomfortable, anger, or disassociate and shut down.
It’s our responsibility to recognize when our boundaries are crossed and communicate this clearly.
It’s the most loving and connecting thing we can do for our relationship.
If you partner is letting you cross their boundaries, its often because they care so deeply about you and they’re worried of losing you.
This does not mean crossing their boundaries is not harmful to the relationship.
Boundaries are based on our personal experience and they don’t need any justification.
You will know you have hit a boundary when something feels uncomfortable to you.
Boundaries change daily.
One day you might have more capacity to listen to your partner vent and other times after a stressful day you don’t have that same capacity.
One day you might want sex and another day you might not.
The important part is to learn to recognize your boundaries and express them in a loving way.
Knowing that boundaries are essential for love and intimacy, then offering a boundary is actually a gift to your partner.
I will cover how to get in touch with your boundaries and express them clearly in my eBook. I will also cover how to help your partner do this.
This will create a lot of intimacy and freedom in your relationship.
Now if you want to learn more than check out my eBook that is full of details and practical exercises and instructions on how to implement all this. Or, sign up to get the short free eBook and newsletter for weekly tips