A dating coach reveals how to find your match
The seven reasons some relationships fail and others succeed.
As a dating coach, I have seen so many relationships form and breakup.
Patterns have become more and more apparent as to why some relationships are successful and others not.
Today you will learn how to find, form, and maintain nurturing and loving relationships.
The Myth of chemistry clarified by a dating coach
The most common notion I see on online dating profiles as a dating coach is women seeking chemistry.
The Hollywood narrative has indoctrinated us about love.
It has formed the idea that instant chemistry is a sign of our soulmate and that we found our match.
That’s the happy ending, and the end credits appear.
What happens after that for the couple in the movie?
We somehow have been conditioned to believe chemistry will last, but that is lie number one.
Lie number two is that we should somehow know what they like and need if we know someone well enough.
You don’t even know what you want or need most of the time, so even mindreading would not work.
Back to chemistry.
We presume love is something that happens because there is some magical chemistry between two people.
Could you be soulmates?
The chemistry feels good. Like alcohol and drugs, it can be addictive and feel exciting in the moment.
And we seek out what feels satisfying. But don’t date a bottle of wine or cocaine and similar don’t date someone because you feel chemistry.
The initial cocktail of hormones creates temporary obsessive-compulsive disorder as you get obsessed thinking about this person. You don’t see their faulty and create stories in your mind of how wonderful they are.
Like all drugs, your brain chemicals will wear off, and this honeymoon stage typically lasts anywhere from a few months to 2 years max.
And, as we know, the comedown sucks, like a hangover or crash after a high, you suddenly realize those things that were so great about them, in the beginning, is now really annoying.
He was so adventurous and mysterious, but now he is not reliable and avoidant unable to share emotions.
I will get to what you should look out for in a potential match and make it last later.
For now, here are three reminders to give yourself when you get stuck in the chemistry trap. Remember, your mind is just giving you a temporary boost of dopamine, so you attach enough to have sex and recreate it. That is the biological reason behind this, and it does not indicate in any way that you are compatible in the long-term
Remind yourself of these three things
1. It’s just a story.
You cannot see things clearly in the honeymoon stage. Your judgment is clouded.
Your chemistry will make you only notice the “good’ parts.
Your mind is a storytelling organ, so notice the stories you create around this person.
It takes time to get to know someone, and you don’t really know them yet, so just remember you are falling for a story you are creating in your mind. It’s not reality.
You are living a dream, a fantasy that will not last.
It’s the same part of your brain that is active in addictions.
Increased dopamine and decreased serotonin is the same chemical imbalance related to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, hence why you can’t stop thinking about them.
You are seeing them through a distorted lens.
The honeymoon stage is not a stable state, and we should not make decisions when we are out of balance.
2. It will not last
The honeymoon stage is a chemical cocktail, and because of hedonic adaptation, your bran will adapt and go back to its set point, and your feelings and perception will change.
Like all drugs that make us feel high, there will be a comedown period.
You will move from the honeymoon/obsessive stage of new, exciting, and uncertainty to the bonding stage, which is about security and long-term bonding.
The two bonding chemicals Oxytocin & vasopressin will take over.
3. “Chemistry” is an awful predictor of long-term love and compatibility.
Just remind yourself of all the above, and that chemistry does not predict long-term compatibility and relationship success.
This is a fact.
As the honeymoon stage comes to an end, it’s common to think that the chemistry or love is gone, and people often move on to the next unaware that they based their entire relationship on a fairy-tale.
The lesson is that “chemistry” or feeling in-love is not the same as love and not a good indicator of a suitable partner.
Mother nature’s help is over, and you now need relationship skills to create mature and lasting love.
So, how do you do this?
I will get to that later, but let’s look at one more important tip when dating.
Why waiting to have sex is a good idea
I know we all want to get to the sex; it’s fun, connecting, and validating and makes us feel more secure in the bond.
You might worry, you will end in the friend zone or that he is dating others until you initiate sex.
So, why is it a good idea to wait?
Again, it comes down to brain chemistry and how our brain perceives reality and can make sound judgments.
I have no moral judgments on how soon you should have sex; this is about you making the best decision to find a compatible partner.
Here is why you should wait to have sex until you know him better.
We all know the traditional. He will value you more if he invests more before he gets you.
And while this is true, I don’t like the manipulative nature of this approach.
It feels disconnecting.
Indeed, we value more what we invest more in.
However, the real reason to delay having sex until you know him better is that sex creates strong oxytocin and dopamine, making you feel attached quickly and start the honeymoon period we discussed above.
And at that stage, you often miss warning signs that you are not a good fit.
It’s harder to leave as you now feel emotionally bonded and invested, so you are more likely to ignore warning signs.
So, slow down is so valuable to ensure you can observe with a clear mind who this person is, and if they are a good fit without the sexual bonding hormones, then go ahead and have fun -)
Let’s get to how you can ensure it’s a good fit.
How to find your match
Sharing goals, you want to accomplish together is part of the glue that keeps us together long term.
Emotions will go up and down and change over time; it’s inevitable.
You have to ask yourself, what is keeping us together when emotions fluctuate?
It will be your goals, such as raising kids, building a castle together, etc.
They will change over time, so it’s good to have a check-in every six months and look at your shared goals/vision.
What are your date’s values?
Look at their actions over their words. How do they treat you and others?
How do they talk about people in their lives?
Do they share other people’s secrets?
Do they talk positively or negatively about others?
First, you have to get clear on your values, and then you can create opportunities to see what values your date display.
Compatible values are essential to keep a couple together long term and allow them to flourish.
Shared Love language
I have written so many articles on love languages, so you can check that out here.
This is less important than the other’s tips, but it’s far easier to be with someone that shares your love language.
Mine is touch, and I have better relationships with other people who want a lot of touch.
If I was with someone who love language is gifts, it would be more challenging as I want to show love by massaging her and give touch, and she would want gifts.
She would want to buy me gifts to show her love, and I want a massage -)
So, while incompatible love languages can work, it’s undoubtedly much easier if they are similar.
You can also do the love language quiz here.
This one is the ONE.
Our attachment styles show us what we need to feel safe, and safety is the foundation of any flourishing and nurturing relationship.
I know I can’t be with an avoidant attachment style because they can’t connect and be vulnerable in the way I want to connect.
They also often fear commitment, and that’s not for me.
So, by knowing my needs and what I want, I can quickly figure out their attachment style and decide if they are a fit or not.
If you don’t know yours or want to find out your dates or partners, you can do the attachment style quiz below.
I have also written an article that covers this more that you can read here.
Or, you can listen to some of my podcasts here where we discuss attachment styles.
This is considered the most functional and stable attachment style.
They often had caregivers that attended to their physical and emotional needs most of the time and were present with them.
Therefore, they are comfortable with intimacy and being on their own and feel safe in relationships with others.
They often had inconsistent caregivers that would sometimes fulfill their needs but, at other times, neglect them.
They learned to feel insecure in the people closest to them.
They often worry about being left and if their partner will be there for them when needed.
This can cause abandonment anxiety, and their partner often sees them as clingy, needy, or controlling.
They want to feel safe and know you will respond to them and not leave them.
They enjoy closeness but can blame, criticize, and attack if they feel you are not responsive or might leave them.
They had caregivers who did not respond to their needs or even abused them. They learned to shut down their needs and take care of themselves.
They don’t trust others and often stay clear of intimacy and getting too close to others.
They value independence highly.
The avoidant and anxious often trigger each other unless they know each other’s attachment style and can give each other the safety and space needed.
This attachment style can be caused by trauma and is a combination of anxious and avoidant. They will often seek closeness, but when they get it, push you away.
They are very challenging to form close and intimate relationships with.
A couple is two nervous systems interconnected and neurologically affects each other nervous system far more than people outside the couple.
So, to create safety, you have to regulate your own and your partner’s nervous system.
You will learn all about how to do this in the relationship course here.
Love map – navigate each other
This relates to lie number two I mentioned at the beginning.
We can’t know what our partner wants in this moment; their boundaries are also changing by the minute.
Their childhood triggers. The specific details of what makes them feel loved and special or what makes them feel safe.
To find our way home, we need Google navigation, and to find our way around our partner, we need their map, so we don’t step on the landmines and end up in the dumpster yard.
Doing this map will allow you to get more self-awareness of your needs and boundaries, and it will allow your partner to give you what you need and navigate your emotional world. You can read more about needs and boundaries here.
You can see an example of a love map here.