Today I want to talk about how you can overcome the most important thing holding you back from having amazing sex.
Let’s look at shame and how it impacts us having amazing sex and our relationships.
We are social creatures and so feeling accepted and valued by our social connections are critical for our emotional well-being.
Shame has been used in every culture around the globe since the beginning of man.
It is a tool used to socialise us and make us behave in a way that some feel is beneficial to the overall group.
Shame can often disconnect us from our bodily sensations and limit our self-expression.
It’s one of the key reasons behind sexual dysfunction and inability to express our needs and desires clearly and openly.
Shame makes us hide away to avoid social judgement.
Social judgement and rejection can be devastating for the human mind and emotions so we naturally avoid it at all costs.
As we learn to hide away our desires and needs, we often lose touch with them completely or forget they exist all together.
Shame is generally based on the fear of social rejection/ridicule.
This is one of the strongest ingrained fears because we would not survive without our tribe.
The need to fit in and be accepted is ingrained in our brain and nervous system, and the pain of being rejected is so severe we conform to the groups expectations even if it means suppressing ourselves.
Our cultural shame around sex makes us highly restrictive.
Shame makes us feel like we have to hide who we are and what we really want, because we have been socialised to feel that our most natural needs such as sex are “not good” or should not be expressed “openly”.
Some misinformed souls call women “sluts” because they have sex with “more” men.
This is a perfect example of shame in action used to control the behaviour of women.
Many people are ashamed to masturbate, being naked, or explore their sexuality in general.
We are often so out of touch with our own bodies, not knowing what turns us on the most mentally and physically.
Sexual exploration is generally not encouraged in most homes.
This has had a very negative outcome for both genders.
Shame has resulted in women being less in touch with their bodies and desires as they often have not explored them fully.
This can lead to lack of amazing sex and less sexual fulfillment, enjoyment and desire.
If we did not shame women about their wonderful and natural sexuality, they would be able to pursue sex,
They would have freedom to express what they want more clearly and openly.
The best way to overcome shame is to expose it to a supportive, accepting and loving person who will stay connected to you and perhaps show you that your needs are normal, healthy and accepted.
If you can share a similar experience then it can also help to “normalise” what they feel shameful of.
But most of all they need to experience acceptance of what they feel shame about from another person.
Celebrating the desires they are shameful about is also a way to help them demolish the shame.
So if they share a fantasy then celebrate the beauty of that fantasy with them.
You don’t have to fulfil the fantasy. Respect your own boundaries and capacity. However even if it’s not something you want to do you can see the beauty in their expressing and sharing part of their deeps selves with you. If you feel judgemental it is likely because it trigger some insecurity in you.
It starts with parents, friends or other key relationships that shame our sexuality when we are young and so we become inhibited.
We often feel inhibited with the ones we love or care about because we learned from the people we love (our parents) that love is taken away when we are sexual.
We learn to separate love and sex and worry about losing the love and affection if we reveal our sexuality freely to the person we care about.
And in that way, we can only feel sexually free and experience at our peak with people we don’t care much about.
And that is a shame -)
So let’s talk about how you can deal with shame
First you should establish trust.
I talk a lot more about this in other videos, but start by sharing smaller vulnerabilities with your partner.
If you partner is judgemental, or lack curiosity about your sexuality then this is not the exercise to start with as you are really exposing your vulnerable self here.
So this exercise presume you have done the work in my other videos on vulnerability and you are in a place of trust, acceptance and used to sharing vulnerable parts of yourself.
Talk to your partner about any sexual fantasies that you might not have shared before because you felt ashamed or afraid of being judged.
Do you have any fetishes or other things you enjoy that you are hiding from your partner?
Here is an amazing chance to get rid of the shame around it, feel closer to your partner and enhance your desire and sexual appetite.
Once you have shared them you both take a moment to hold eye contact and feel their acceptance of you.
This will be very healing and help you feel freer in your sexual expression.
This will not only benefit your desire and sexuality, but your partners too.
When someone accepts our most vulnerable parts it can be one of the most connecting experiences you can have, and it can create deep intimacy and connection.
It’s very common to experience a sham-over, similar to a hangover.
The day after or within a few days you might feel regret having shared this and feel vulnerable and exposed.
Just know that is normal and part of releasing the shame.
Repeat this exercise until you feel happy sharing it with your partner and perhaps even living it out -)
Your partner knowing your fantasies also has many other benefits as they can use them to enhance your experience.
More on this in other videos.
Many Parents are often uncomfortable with their children’s sexuality and exploration and create guilt by making their children feel shameful.
This can often lead to sexual dysfunction from lack of desire, disassociate from bodily sensation, and other dysfunctions like premature ejaculation.
Pre-mature ejaculation can be connected to feelings of guilt about masturbation as it has to be done in hiding and finished quickly to not get caught.
This is not because parents are bad parents it’s just that we grew up with shame around sex so we are uncomfortable talking about this to our children.
Guilt is a killer of sexual desire and enjoyment.
However, there is also an element of turn-on in doing the forbidden and doing what we know is wrong.
If guilt is strongly present then it will usually inhibit sexual desire, passion and sensation.
However low levels of guilt can create excitement of doing something wrong or “getting caught” which can enhance desire.
The reason most women want the man to take the initiative sexually is because it allows her to not feel any shame or guilt or risk rejection.
As a man you help women by taking responsibility, encourage their own exploration and acceptance.
You can say things like “I want you to let go for me” or “surrender to me and allow yourself to feel the sensation in your body”
Imagine your mind being a garden.
As we grow up our close relations plant seeds in our unconscious, and teach us how to tend to it.
When we are grow up we relate to our bodies and view it how we have been taught.
Once you become aware of the seeds that have been planted you can choose which to keep and which to get rid of.
Poor body image, self-criticism and shame around sex are major inhibitors in enjoying your sex life fully.
So, pay attention to what believes you want to keep watering and which you can let’s dry out.