If you want to learn how to avoid an unhappy marriage then stay tuned.
Our expectations set the stage for disappointment or delightful surprise, so let’s look at how we deal with our expectations.
In our western world tribal communities have almost completely disintegrated.
We used to live close to family and friends who would help raise children and provide for our different needs.
Now we expect one person to be what an entire tribe used to provide for us.
Be the best friend, our soul mate, pay the bills, help with house work, help with kids, share our passions and interests, do family duties, provide safety and comfort, make us laugh, fulfil our sexual fantasies, be safe and familiar but also new and exciting…..
It’s completely unrealistic to expect one person to fulfil all those needs, that we used to get from an entire community.
It is little wonder why after the honeymoon period when adaptation kicks in and brain chemicals begin to settle down often leave a lot of relationships feeling disappointing or they fall apart all together.
We need to adjust our expectations and realise what needs our partner can fulfil and what needs we need to get elsewhere.
As you do my the needs exercises in my eBook and become aware of your needs you can then decide what needs your partner can meet and which you need to get somewhere else.
I used to feel a lot of disappointment in my relationships that would lead to disappointment and distance.
Until I realised that when I could let go of this frame work we have been taught that one person should be all those things or that I can only get these needs from one person then I could let go of my expectations of my partner
And in doing so I could replace disappointed and distant with appreciation and closeness as it allowed me to see all the wonderful things, she could bring to my life instead of what was missing.
It allowed me to focus on the qualities and value she did add rather than focus on my disappointment from expectations I had put on her.
I also realised it’s this idea that we can love only one person and they should give us everything that kept us trapped, so we had talks and worked through our fears and anxieties about loss and in doing so we both felt so much more free and we could experience a love that was not based on fear of loss and having to control our partner for fear of losing them but instead based on wanting to see our partner grow and flourish.
It also brought the realisation that it does not mean we are inadequate because we can’t fulfil all our partner’s needs its that the expectation is unrealistic and many people are required to meet someone needs so the guilt also went away.
It gave space for a new free place of sharing and we felt so much closer and connected.
Once we had acknowledged this my disappointment went away as we accepted some of our needs we would get from others and so we no longer had to expect that of each other.
We both became freer.
Similar one of the most common issues in long term relationships “lack of desire” comes down to unrealistic expectations.
As I mentioned before when we grow up, we have parents that provide safety and comfort.
And we then go explore the world to get excitement and the new, unfamiliar.
Because of this idea that “the one” should be everything for us and we can only get our needs from that one person we struggle because safety and comfort dampens desire that flourish in the new and unfamiliar.
Does this mean you can’t experience both with one person?
Of course, not and I teach in other videos and podcasts plus in my eBook in details how you can achieve this.
Have fun and see you soon.