Google has thousands of monthly searches for the term marriage counseling near me.
But what if we could eliminate the need for people to search for the term marriage counseling near me.
What if we could prevent, rather than try to treat what’s already broken?
That’s what we will look at today.
We spend so much energy dealing with and recovering from conflict or even worse we simply numb out of our relationship and accept a lack of intimacy and excitement.
Things does not have to be this way.
Most of the time the reason relationships deteriorate or disengage is not because of the people involved but because of a lack of understanding about our most core human needs and neurology.
Here is what I mean.
As we grow up, we learn different attachment patterns that teach us how we can feel most safe in the world.
Some that did not have their safety needs meet as children might feel anxious about losing their partner and seem “needy” and others might seem distant and unable to relate emotionally.
Both these are just protection strategies to make them feel safe.
The “needy” partner could have experienced inconsistent parents and fear being left.
The emotional unavailable partner might have been neglected and learned to only trust themselves to care for their needs.
What does this have to do with relationship conflicts or lack of intimacy?
Well, a lot really.
To go explore the world, learn and flourish we need to first feel safe and if this is missing, we can’t function and relate in a safe and open way and we easily get triggered and respond with attack or retrieve.
This is our neurological stress response and once it hijacks our brain there is little we can do and we end up in arguments or shut down.
So, to help a “needy” partner (I don’t like the term needy. It just means someone that’s anxious about their needs not being meet) we must make them feel safe by telling and showing them how important they are to us and that we want to be with them.
Once they feel safe, they will relate to you in a much more intimate and less controlling way.
Because control is motivated by our need to feel safe, so the more unsafe we feel the more we want to control.
The emotional avoidant partner is harder to deal with as they would need to learn to fundamentally trust the world again and that they are not alone and can trust others to care about their needs.
They need to practise surrender and vulnerability and when they do it’s critical you are there and are responsive to their needs and don’t judge them.
A large part of relationship issues comes from the underlying attachment need for safety is not fulfilled and if we can meet those, we will see our partner respond in a very different way.
More emotionally open, less defensive, attacking, blaming or criticising and far less controlling.
If we all start implementing this simple tip then there should be less need for people searching for marriage counseling near me.
Prevention over treatment.
If you want to learn more about how you can reconnect with your partner then check out my eBook on my website.
For now, have fun and enjoy relating.