How to end being a people pleaser.
People pleaser's care too much
Today we will learn the magic of not giving a f… and Stop trying to Please others.
First, I want to address the title of this video because it’s a lousy title.
When people say, “I don’t care what others think about me.”
1. They do care. Otherwise, they would not bother to even say that to you. Someone that does not care would not need to tell you they don’t care. The fact they tell you means the care.
2. We are social animals, so we all care. It’s hardwired into our brain to want acceptance from others and feel a sense of belonging, so unless they found a magic way to circumcise our neurological wiring, then they do care.
3. If they don’t care, they will categorize as a psychopath, but they are the only once that don’t care about others.
I am happy we cleared that up.
So, you do care what another thinks, and that’s a good thing.
It means you have empathy and care about the wellbeing of others around you and how you impact them.
When we start caring so much, we lose our sense of self and compromise our own needs and boundaries to be liked by others.
We lose our authentic selves.
So the goal is not to not care and be a psycho. The goal is to get the balance right, so you don’t experience anxiety about people giving you approval.
We should care, but we should also be ok when people disapprove, and if something upset’s them accept their emotions are theirs to deal with.
That way, we don’t have to tiptoe around and feeling anxious about upsetting anyone.
So, knowing we are social animals, and we do need to feel acceptance and a sense of belonging, how can we get this to nurture us instead of making us compromise ourselves.
Some people don’t feel the need to please others, and that’s because they had responsive parents that respected their boundaries and responded to their needs, and they did not have to compromise themselves to get their parent’s love.
They are securely attached and so already feel that sense of acceptance.
We have not all been so lucky…
So, let’s skip “just love yourself” advice that is not helpful, no matter how well-intended.
It’s like saying, “just play the guitar” if you have never been taught how to play the guitar, you can’t just play the guitar. Someone has to teach you, show you, and with practice, and eventually, you learn.
Find self-love or self-acceptance teachers
These can be friends or family that care about you and support you.
If you don’t have those in your life, then now is the time to go out to meetups, events, or communities where you can find such people.
It can also be a therapist if you prefer that option and can afford it.
Like with any teacher, tell them what you want to learn and know you have to put in the practice to improve.
Start sharing your shame and vulnerability with them if they are safe.
A therapist should be an excellent place to start and get acceptance from them. It will help you begin to heal, and as you start feeling their approval, you will start feeling more accepting of yourself.
Because guess why? You are learning how to play the tune of self-acceptance.
As you do this, you will feel less and less need for your therapist, and eventually, you will go off an play on your own just like you would with the guitar…
It’s not integrated into your long-term memory and wired as a subconscious auto response. You will start feeling less anxious, less need to get others’ approval because you now have the framework to give it to yourself.
You can play the tune on your own. And man, it’s a beautiful tune (Let a song play for a while).
Now you can start doing it with your friends or friends who are not judgmental and are supportive of you.
It’s both connecting and will make your friendship more robust, and it’s healing—two in one.
Go try it out and leave a comment below.