Reddit relationship advice – 3 tips to rekindle desire in long term relationships.
Today you will learn the best Reddit relationship advice that I discovered in my relationship counseling and marriage therapy.
I have been following the Reddit relationship advice section for a while now, and in my relationship counseling and marriage therapy, I have found that after 6 months to 2 years desire seems to decrease in relationships.
This often causes a disconnect that impacts both the sex life and intimacy of the couple, and these issues spill over in all areas of the relationship.
While I enjoy the Reddit relationship advice section and I recommend you check it out, then I wanted to provide some more substantial advice here that can help you keep that desire alive in your long term relationship.
Let's learn the best Reddit relationship advice that changed my relationship counseling and marriage therapy.
As we have all experienced in long term relationships, this is not the case.
In surveys, how close a couple recorded being had no correlation with how frequent they had sex or the intensity of their sex.
Closeness, at its core, is about familiarity and safety, while sexual desire is fuelled by novelty, obstacles, distance, uncertainty, anticipation, and power dynamics.
We naturally gravitate towards comfort and safety, and novelty and anticipation wear off as we get to know each other more.
If you can imagine a spectrum with these at each end.
At one end you have closeness and safety, and at the other, you have novelty and anticipation.
If you get stuck at one end of this spectrum, then you either lose desire or safety.
If you have too much safety, you will feel a lack of desire and then it’s time to add some novelty and anticipation in your relationship.
If you feel plenty of desire but insecure, then you likely need more safety.
It’s finding your middle ground.
This is where you can have both desire and safety in your relationship.
As you now know, we naturally gravitate towards comfort and safety while novelty and uncertainty naturally decrease as we get to know each other more and spend more time together.
So, to keep desire alive, we need to recreate the elements that made desire so natural and easy at the beginning of your relationship.
The novelty (newness), anticipation, uncertainty, obstacles, etc.
Here are a few ways you can do this.
People often say that it shouldn’t take planning and should be spontaneous.
Think about this for a minute.
When you started dating nothing was spontaneous.
You would plan a time and place to meet;
someone would organize the date; you would both spend time and energy getting ready;
Then you would go on a date not knowing what exactly would happen (uncertainty).
You would imagine what you would like to happen (anticipation) and the experience was new (novelty); hence, why you felt desire.
It wasn’t spontaneity but a planned effort that took energy and time.
So rather than keep going to the same restaurant and then back to the bedroom, or only going to the bedroom and expecting the desire to appear despite none of the conditions for desire being there (novelty, uncertainty, and anticipation)… you could spend more of your time planning a date that incorporates all these things.
Let’s look at them one by one.
You could pick a new place and then send her an email saying she should meet you at x location and x time and wear x sexy dress.
This makes it a new experience (novelty), but it also creates uncertainty as she does not know what will happen.
Leave out details on purpose (anticipation) as she will start thinking about the experience far in advance.
Can you see the similarities to when you first started seeing each other?
By recreating the same conditions, you can rekindle the desire.
Have time apart
If you come home every day and do the same thing, sit together and then go to bed to have sex, then none of the conditions for desire are there, and so it’s more likely it will be lacking.
If instead, you both book time with your friends, so you are apart.
Enjoy hobbies you can go to that does not involve your partner, or even go on some trips apart.
That way, there are also new things to learn about each other.
Space is where desire can breathe, and longing can grow.
We can start to miss and desire what we don’t have all the time but seldom desire what we do.
We need a gap to bridge.
The space, the obstacle, the uncertainty and novelty of what is on the other side and if it can be ours is the fuel of desire.
If I put you in the desert without water, you will feel a great desire for water very fast.
If you have water next to you all the time you feel little urge for it and drink when you feel a little thirsty, and I guarantee it doesn’t feel half as satisfying.
As we spend so much time together with our partner, we get so familiar that we often forget the parts of our partner that initially attracted us and made us feel desire.
This is why sometimes being in a social context together and seeing each other with other people can allow us to see our partner from a new perspective, again rekindling that desire we felt.
Seeing how others respond to them will remind us of their desirability.
They will like act and behave in a different way to the habits you recognize, and so you can see your partner in a new light (novelty), and that can help you both feel your desire again.
Seeing other people desiring your partner will help you get in touch with the desire you initially felt for your partner.