Relationship coach – 3 steps how to fix a broken relationship
Today you will learn my number on tips as a relationship coach. How key moments change your relationship for the better or worse.
As a Relationship coach, I have worked with a lot of couples.
I found that all moments are not created equal, and some have a far bigger impact on our relationship than others.
I often get asked as a relationship coach what moments define a relationship, and today, you will learn the answer to that question.
You will also learn how you can heal relationship wounds when you missed the moment.
Let's learn what key moments are and how to get them right.
These are the moments where we need our partner to be there for us, and if they are not, it will cause severe damage to the bond, trust and closeness will suffer.
These are the moments that answer the attachment question, ‘Will you be there when I need you the most?’
These pivotal moments could be anything from childbirth, severe sickness, the loss of a loved one, getting fired, or any significant event where we need support from our partner.
How you respond to your partner’s needs in these circumstances are critical.
There is no grey area here; even valid reasons will not help restore the emotional damage not being there could cause.
For us to trust the attachment bond, we must be there in these critical moments when your partner has expressed; they need you.
Failure to show up at these moments can create resentment, distance, and long-term damage that requires a lot of repair work later.
Often conflict that seems completely unrelated is motivated by an old attachment wound created by a partner that was not there in a vital attachment moment.
Being there for your partner in these key moments do not have to be hard.
It can be small gestures like sending flowers on a bad day, ordering take away food for them when they are sick (if you don’t live together).
These small gestures show you are there when it matters and creates secure attachment and closeness.
The safety will impact everything else in your relationship.
Common attachment wounds happen without us realizing we caused them.
In times of great need, do we make our partner the top priority and choose to be there for them?
These are key moments that are of particular importance as we learn if we can count on our partner and trust them.
If the emotional and physical needs neglected, we get guarded and lose trust. We feel less connected and secure.
We can also call these attachment traumas.
They are when we experience a crisis or are in critical need of physical or emotional safety and comfort, but our partner does not respond.
Despite a hugely functional relationship, these few events; if the trust towards the attachment is broken, it will color the entire relationship.
The question “are you there for me when I am most in need?” was a no, so the relationship will be clouded by fear and distrust, even when the day to day seems ok this will inhibit intimacy and connection until it’s healed.
These attachment traumas could be a partner was diagnosed with cancer, and we were so busy working that we were not there for them.
Or perhaps we could not manage our fears around losing our partner, so we retrieved instead of reaching out to support our partner.
It could be a woman that was left alone scared during childbirth.
These moments when we feel vulnerable and perhaps scared is when we need our partner to be most responsive, and if they are not, it will cause attachment trauma that requires healing before trust and intimacy can flourish again.
Don’t get me wrong; they may have logical or genuine reasons for not being there in these critical moments.
Perhaps they had a work crisis, or they might be so overwhelmed that they could not provide the support you needed.
All are logically valid reasons, but they will not change the wound created and the damage to trust and intimacy, so a healing process must take place.
Healing attachment hurt
Here are the steps to heal it:
1. The hurt partner describes the feelings they are experiencing without blaming it on their partner.
Focus on how it made you feel and how it has impacted your trust and safety with your partner.
Did you feel alone, abandoned, rejected?
Express what you needed to feel safe and comforted.
It could sound something like this:
“The day I came home to tell you I had cancer, I needed you to hold me and comfort me. I felt so scared, but when you did not even lift your head from the TV to look at me, I felt so alone and went to my room and cried for hours.
After that day, I never trusted you to be there for me again, and I learned to depend on my friends instead. I needed you so badly to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok.”
2. The partner that caused pain acknowledges and accepts the hurt partner’s feelings and accepts their part in it.
This will make the hurt partner feel seen and understood and make them trust you could act differently in the future.
It’s the first step in restoring trust.
We all make mistakes, but it doesn’t make us bad people.
Repeat back what you heard to your hurt partner.
If they feel understood, they will trust you more, and healing can begin.
It could sound something like this:
“I can hear how much you needed me to be there for you, to hold you and comfort you. You wanted not to feel alone and that we were in this together.
You felt so scared, and I broke your trust because I could not be there for you at that moment the way you needed me to.”
Try to use their words and expression.
3. The partner that caused pain expresses regret, and that they want to act differently in the future.
The regret must be genuine, so don’t fake it as that will break trust even further.
Use your empathy to relate to your partner’s experience, and once you do that it’s easy to express regret.
This could sound something like this:
“I am so sorry I hurt you in this way and made you feel alone when you needed me the most.
I can see now how I created a profound wound and perhaps even sadness for you and how it made us move apart as you could no longer trust me.
I want you to trust me so I wish for you to start reaching out again so I can show you I will be there for you now.”
Don’t make promises you can’t keep that will only damage trust further.