Today I want to talk about what often causes an unhappy marriage.
Boundaries are imperative to any flourishing relationship.
Boundaries, are something we have often gotten so used to being violated that we are often not even aware when they are being violated.
The resentment that comes from this is what leads to an unhappy marriage.
Part of it is the “pleaser complex” we discussed earlier, but unintentionally adults constantly violate children’s boundaries all the time.
It can be forcing them to medical treatments or having to get our children to do something when we are in a rush.
We rarely take the time to get consent from our children.
No wonder we grow up not feeling in touch with our boundaries and not knowing how to enforce them.
(to learn more about how to raise children without shame go to my other website www.growthmindkids.com)
Boundaries are a gift to our partner or any relationship we have with others.
Why? You might ask.
Because when we learn to trust that others can express and uphold their own boundaries, then we don’t have to tip-toe around each other and try to accommodate each other and get it wrong.
Clear boundaries help both people feel freer and it creates a lot of trust in a relationship.
If I can trust that you look out for your boundaries then I can be free to express myself knowing you will say stop when it’s to much.
You having clear boundaries help me feel free. You are doing me a favor by expressing your boundaries.
So, remember setting your boundaries and expressing your needs is a gift to the relationship and is not selfish.
Only by looking out for yourself can you show up as your best self in the relationship.
The problem is that if we let others overstep our boundaries repeatedly then it will create resentment and this causes disconnect, lack of intimacy and will often put a break on sexual desire.
In fact, the violation in itself can be harmful for your emotional and physical well-being.
Eventually resentment will likely make the relationship disintegrate, so remember setting your boundaries is helping your partner and the relationship.
I normally don’t give exercises in these videos but today I will give you one of my boundary exercises that you can also find in my eBook.
The first step is to learn to recognize your emotions and sensations when your boundaries are overstepped.
Our body responds first and then later our logical brain catches up, but this is often too late to prevent the violation.
You need to learn to sense how and when your body responds to the violation.
So the first exercise is to pay attention to your bodily sensations throughout the day.
If your partner asks you to come over and visit all weekend, slow down and check in first.
How does that feel to you?
Do you feel hesitation, resistance, anger?
What emotions come up?
What do you sense in your body?
Do you feel tired, tense and if so where?
You might have conflicting sensations and feel both tired and excitement to see your partner.
You might also feel an obligation as you know you have not seen your partner for a week.
Conflicting emotions are perfectly normal.
Now communicate your emotions and sensations to your partner.
As you get better at this you will start being able to sense when you feel tense, frustrated, resentful, angry or any other emotions that is an indicator you should listen.
These are often sign’s that your boundaries or capacity are being overstepped.
You can then say “stop or not now” so you can get time to sense what’s going on and express that.
You don’t need to offer an explanation in the moment.
You will often sense a boundary far before you logically know what is happening and can explain it logically.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation in the moment.
This will help you avoid being violated and also create more intimacy as you learn to express your emotions more clearly.
Try it out and have fun.
See you soon.