When someone with borderline personality disorder ends a relationship, it’s usually not pretty.
People with borderline personality disorder are not bad people, but they have a severe mental health disorder that makes them toxic and dangerous to romantic partners.
Their emotional instability and extremes and dysfunctional attachment behaviors make them very traumatizing to date, and the end of a relationship gets the worst out of someone with a borderline personality disorder because their core fear is “Fear of abandonment.”
This is when they become most emotionally dysregulated and extreme and can’t regulate their emotions, meaning empathy goes out the window.
They often must copy by either shifting blame onto you or go numb to cope with the overwhelming emotional pain they experience.
They will often leave their partner if they think they could be left themselves.
They are hypersensitive to abandonment and so see it where there is none.
Just like someone with social anxiety is hypersensitive to social judgment and sees it where there is none.
When someone with borderline personality disorder ends a relationship, it will often shock their partner.
It can seem out of nowhere.
Their emotional instability means they can go from idolization “I love you. You are perfect” to “I never want to see you again” in a matter of minutes or hours and break up with you.
Their lack of object constancy means out of sight, out of mind, and they can very quickly emotionally numb out and feel nothing for you or that you are an irritation even if they said you were the love of their life yesterday.
From your perspective, this will make no sense, and you will be confused and in a lot of pain.
You likely are in a state of denial, the first stage of grief where you hope the person you think they are will come back.
You are also likely addicted to the dopamine high they created in the idolization stage when they glorified you and gave you so much attention and showered you with messages of love and future plans.
They are not the person you dated in the idolization stage as they mirrored you and took on part of your identity hence why they seem such a perfect match.
Remember how much curiosity they showed in the beginning. All the questions. It felt great right? That’s how they uncover your identity so they can mirror it.
You might be thinking you lost the love of your life when that person never existed.
You might think if they had treatment, I could get my love back.
No, if they had treatment which is rarely successful then they would be a completely different person that who you dated.
Different likes, different goals, and far less emotional intense and they would not glorify you.
That is the traumatizing part of these breakups.
It was an illusion that was not real, and your trust in the world and your own judgment is broken.
To add to the pain, they often line up a replacement leaving you feeling replaceable and unlovable.
They do this because their emotional instability and lack of regulation mean they need someone else to regulate their emotions and feel ok and their lack of clear identity means they need someone to fill that gap.
And intermittent reinforcement where the high of being glorified suddenly change to the low of it being taken away and perhaps replaced with coldness or rage.
Then you get pulled in with small rewards for a while until the next rage or coldness comes and it’s taken away.
This created the up and down of a drug addiction and form an obsessive and addictive bond called a trauma bond.
Add some gaslighting into the mix where they make you feel you are the crazy one and you can’t trust your own judgment and we have a cocktail for disaster.
When someone with borderline personality disorder ends a relationship, you have so many unanswered questions and they can’t answer them for you.
They often lack self-awareness and don’t know why they act how they do and they think it’s normal in some cases or are in denial to avoid self-blame and hatred.
They say they love more than anyone but that is because they don’t know what love is.
Love is safety, stability, mutuality, trust all things someone with borderline personality can’t give you because they are so emotional unstable and extreme.
Did they mean what they said?
And how can they love you and want to marry you one moment and be gone the next?
They likely believed when they said you are so special, and they love you and they want to marry you.
They were on an emotional high created by their fantasy projection of your being their next perfect savior, until they realize you can’t save them from their pain either and you fall from grace and go from idolization to being devalued and the object of their pain.
They have the emotional regulation of a child and believe their emotions fully in the moment as they are so intense, they override logic and other cognitive processes.
Like a child that have a fun day with a new friend and says “You will be my best friend forever.” And the next day the new friend will not share a toy and the child says “I never want to play with you again. We are not friends anymore.”
The child can’t regulate their emotions, so they act on them, and they lack perspective so they also believe their emotions to be reality.
That is how a borderline experience the world and act which is why you can’t take anything they say seriously, and all planning of the future are just an expression of excitement in the current moment for them.
Like a happy child they can be so compelling when in a good place and idolize you and when they get upset and have a tantrum it’s hell and you can’t reach them no matter what you say or do.
You are the devil in their eyes.
So, when a borderline personality disorder ends a relationship it’s often out of the blue, erratic, impulsive and come out of the blue for you.
They will often have lined another replacement up like what a narcissist would do.
They do it for a different reason but the impact on you is the same. Confusion, devastation, pain, and trauma.
The good news is that their behavior is very predictable so once you know how they operate you can easily spot the warning signs and avoid becoming a target.
They also target specific people and by healing the old wounds that make you a target you can be like the fast gazella on the savanna.
The lion will not try to eat you if you are too fast or too strong.
In my free guide and free webinar, you will learn about how to spot these toxic people and how to develop a protection shield.
The pain can seem so overwhelming and if you are feeling depressed or suicidal then contact your emergency service right now and seek help from a healthcare professional, such as your doctor or psychologist.
If you want support in healing from this traumatizing experience, then check out the online toxic relationship recovery program.
I went through this experience myself, so I know how you are feeling.
Family and friends often want to support us but because they don’t understand these toxic dynamics their advice is often misguided and more harmful.
The “just get over it” or “you are better off without him/her” is not helpful at all for someone stuck in a trauma bond.
It’s an addiction and should be treated as such to break the toxic bond.
There is light at the end of the tunnel and it’s beautiful out here.
I healed the wounds that attracted me to a borderline, and it made life so much better.
I don’t miss the love-bombing.
I want real connection, safety, stability, mutuality, and respect for my boundaries.
The artificial intensity is no longer appealing and once you heal you will feel the same way.
Stay safe and remember you are worthy of love, safety, kindness and mutuality.
That’s enough for today.
If you are in the middle of this confusing and painful place, check out the comprehensive course I did on how to heal and flourish after dating a borderline, narcissist, or socio/psychopath.
Never forget. You are worthy of love, safety, kindness & mutuality.