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Why do borderline’s "discard"? (Narcissistic & Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships)
Why do borderline’s “discard”? (Narcissistic & Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships)
The sudden discard is perhaps one of the most difficult things to recover from and make sense of if you are on the receiving end.
Everything is great. Your borderline partner loves you and you are planning your future together and suddenly out of the blue, they break up with you often by text and then you are discarded.
They might block you and simply go no contact. They will seem cold and numb and like they feel nothing even though they last week said you were the love of their life.
In many cases, they have lined up a replacement for you instantly.
You are in shock and pain. What happened?
We just talked about moving in together last week.
Borderline’s go through the stage’s idolization, where they mirror you and seem to be interested in things you are in to and they seem like the perfect match.
They love-bomb you with affection and make you feel special. You are the love of their life; they want to spend their life with you. It gets intense very fast.
But eventually normally after the honeymoon stage they realize the fantasy they have created in their mind of you being perfect is not true, or they perceive something you do, say or don’t do as abandonment, or you simply got to close so they go to stage two devaluing.
Here splitting become apparent as they now go from idolizing to the opposite and often start putting you down and gaslighting you.
Eventually they will discard you. It is a matter of when unless you leave beforehand.
Why they do it
The big question we all have is, but why do they do this?
As you might know from my other videos they struggle with emotional regulation and feel emotions very intensely.
They also struggle with constancy meaning they only perceive what they feel in this moment to be real so your previous history and how they felt about you last week matters little.
Because they split and see the world as black or white, good or bad when triggered it also means they can only see themselves as either good or bad so accepting responsibility would make them feel all bad and no one wants that so they blame it all on you and need to push you away before leave them.
Their lack of emotional regulation and the intensity of their emotions mean that when the fear of engulfment or abandonment is triggered they can’t cope with the pain so they need to get you away and for them out of sight out of mind making it easier for them to not have to take responsibility and feel less pain by discarding you.
Their cognitive empathy is also impaired so they can see very cold and seem to not care an all about the pain they are causing you.
Because they also struggle with self-identity, and self-regulation they often line up someone new immediately to replace you to make them feel less pain.
The same pattern will repeat itself with the new guy so trust me he will through all the same pain you went through and the person you miss was not real. It was a tempoery fantasy they created for you using mirroring and love-bombing.
You are the source of your happiness as it was your brain chemicals that made you feel happiness so now you need to uncover the needs she fulfilled and find other ways to get there needs meet.
I will talk about self-love in another video.
You will likely be stuck in an addictive response making you want to go back to your ex BPD because the push pull created the response of addiction in your brain.
To break this, you must go no contact and block them everywhere. In neuroscience there is a saying what fire – wire so the more you go back and keep contact the more those neurons fire and the stronger they get so it gets harder and harder.
And no, it will never go back to the idolization stage again.
Also remember she is not your happiness; she was the external trigger for YOU feeling that way. YOUR brain made you feel that way, so your happiness is still with you.
After the no contact it’s important to fill your day with people and activities you enjoy even if you don’t feel like it.
Spend time with people that support you. Get a therapist and learn about what made you recitable to someone with BPD.
If you are stuck in depression or obsession then go speak to your doctor and it might be good to get some medicine that can help you get within your window of tolerance so you can do the things that will help you recover.
We are social creatures and heal better socially that’s a scientific fact.
And watch my video on self-love.
You will get better if you follow these steps…
The pain feels like it will last forever but it will not. It took me a month and a half to get out of the FOG and feel happy again simply by using the framework I teach.
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