The pitfalls of marriage counseling

We went to marriage counseling and it failed not once, not twice but 3 times.

When I was married, I went to marriage counseling 3 different times over 5 years and they all failed.

Their fundamental approach was to look at current conflicts and try to solve those conflicts through negotiation.

Marriage counseling often looks at problems and by doing can end up enhancing them.

There are two fundamental flaws with the current marriage counseling approach.

  1. It takes the approach that solving problems will automatically make a relationship flourish. This is not the case.
  2. It looks at the current conflict and not the underlying cause that create the same pattern of conflicts again and again.

So, getting a compromise on this one conflict will not solve the pattern and the conflict will reappear.

Let’s look at number one first.

Removing problems will not make a relationship flourish.

If we solve problems, we do just that, we get less tension and stress.

Reducing stress can obviously open up capacity to focus on your intimacy or sex life however it will not automatically do so and other important tools are therefore needed to create the skills and understanding required for deep intimacy and an exciting sex life.

We cover these skills in great detail in my two eBooks.

It also involves learning how to be vulnerable in a safe way and how to provide the acceptance your partner needs.

It involves a clear understanding of our sexuality rather than the misinformation provided by our culture.

Let’s look at number two.

As it often does not address the underlying issues of the conflict the problems remain and repeat itself.

Emotional focused therapy is actually very good at this however while it recognises attachment needs and how to accommodate those in each other it often does so at the expense of one or both partners supressing their own individual needs and that to me is not a flourishing relationship.

Flourishing means we can both feel safe and support each other in accomplishing our common and individual dreams and needs.

It lacks the tools to help both people do their own work to release the traumatic responses that keep them trapped in attachment styles or anxiety that might cause them to try to hold their partner back.

In my two eBook we will again look at how to balance attachment and individual needs and how you can both grow in to a couple that flourish and experience emotional connection and the excitement of your own individual expression in the world.

So, these are two of the key reasons that our marriage counselor and relationship counselor was not the answer for me and for so many others that try them.

I eventually found my own method by combining all the masses of research and it worked wonders, and so can it for you -)